Unlock
trigger warning: suicidal ideations, graphic
finding a rusty key
who is still intact, but has a flaky rust sprouting from her once smooth bow
much like a little girl finding a penny on her walk,
you’re excited!
there’s a pep in your step
nothing is wrong
the combination of a norepinephrine balance and a gamma-aminobutyric acid deficiency
subconsciously seduce you into trying to find a problem
trying to find absolutely anything that might ruin your day even the slightest
you’re unsuccessful
arriving at your rent-controlled apartment
you try the rusted key
it doesn’t seem to be the right key
forcing the rust on her teeth together, while ripping the flakes off of her head
shaping shaping shaping
into a more suitable key for the same keyhole
trying again
you push the key with greater force, even if it will ruin the keyhole
it’s close, but not there
shaking it, Striking it, Driving it
it fits!
the turn is a little resistant, but nonetheless
your masculine fingers are able to rotate the key
to a sharp 113 degrees
the door clicks!
you’re relieved
upon opening the door, you’re entire body
driven backwards much like the key was driven forwards
achieving your stability, behind the door you see
a realization
a simple thought sitting poised on the floor
after sitting with her you understand
nothing you do matters
nothing that you achieve will be remembered for more than 100 years
a mere fraction of universal timing
no matter how hard you try
no matter the quantity or quality of your drive
you won’t be able to beat the system
ever
you will never be able to beat the system
oh god
you’re logically upset
education isn’t accessible
healthcare isn’t accessible
transportation isn’t accessible
and thus, true joy is not accessible
achievable maybe
but never accessible
you work and work and work
until you can neither breathe nor stand
your alveoli garden, dead by a capitalistic winter
nonetheless
you go to school
need to pay for it
you take notes about knees
need to pay for it
you hurt your knee
need to pay for it
driving to a doctor
need to pay for it
bandage
need to pay for it
pain medication
need to pay for it
nourishment, no matter how fractioned
need to pay for it
going to sleep
need to pay for it
at this point, you won’t be able to go into work
but alas, life moves on
coping mechanisms
need to pay for it
therapy to cope and understand
need to pay for it
reminding yourself of the key, and that you might never be able to escape the cycle
need to pay for it
walking towards the bathroom door, limping with your scabbed knee
need to pay for it
ripping the plastic off of the package
need to pay for It
carefully grasping a single blade, even with rivered eyes
need to pay for it
undressing yourself and filling the bathtub
need to pay for it
sliding in to the ceramic tub
need to pay for it
grazing the blade across your arm
need to pay for it
allowing your soft skin to be ripped like paper
need to pay for it
succumbing to the choice you don’t have time to regret
need to pay for it
calling your mom in your final moments to give her reassurance and love
needs to be paid for
being found
needs to be paid for
being examined
needs to be paid for
ashes
needs to be paid for
a ceremony
needs to be paid for
your maximalism
needs to be paid for
your debt
needs to be paid for
your life needed to be paid for
your death needed to be paid for
and you’re not even freed yet
your carbon footprint
needs to be paid for
every plastic bottle or container you’ve ever thrown away
needs to be paid for
any therapy for your family
needs to be paid for
the grass grown above your ashes
needs to be paid for
every single FUCKING thing that you’ve ever done needed to be paid for
human life has to be paid for
so the initial choice was either to live in pain, or transfer the pain to others
the Law of conservation of energy (learned about that in the school you had to pay for)
has become the law of conservation of pain
lady merlot cannot save you now
once society falls
the buildings collapse
our race dies out, or close to it
our planet, desolate aside from the creature folk
only then
only then will you finally be freed
you’re relaxed
you can exhale in the afterlife who knew
the breath once held in your dead alveoli garden
has returned
a gentle light approaches
very soft but bright white light
it gets closer
it begins rushing
driving
towards you with force
you’re cornered
you succumb to the light, confused
your ears begin to ring, then settle
what the fuck?
a hospital room?