Counting

sometimes

i grab a mirror

and stare into my face

not my eyes,

but my face

i count every open clogged pore

every unibrow hair

every blemish

every freckle

every spot under my eye

every nose hair

every freckle

every crease in my lip

and i start to wonder

how can i love this

how can i fix this

how can i make myself more pleasing to the eye 

this is why 

this is why i’m left alone in the apartment 

nothing to do

nobody to go out with

nobody to talk to

that makes things pretty god damn easy

building a facade of reasons like drywall

why i’m alone

is easier than burning down the building

so i start shaving

plucking

moisturizing

erasing

unclogging

fixing

but it’s never enough